mummy

i must say, i've led a pretty sheltered life. i've had a brilliant childhood, fun adolescence, lovely adulthood.. i've never had to worry about heartache (well, minorly) nor have i been thrown into situations where i can't think, can't move, can't run away from. but now i feel like i'm facing a dead end. a part of me, is about to die. and i can't think. can't move. and can't run away from this.

my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.

these words reverberate within my head every single day, causing me to break out in random tears. i'll never forget the look on the faces of the doctors that sit around the table as they broke the news to us. some had gone completely quiet, they weren't even looking at us. they weren't even looking anywhere. i could tell they didn't wish to be there. who'd like to be the bearer of bad news? you'd think they'd be used to it. but i guess they're human after all. i fought the tears, put up a bold face and asked all the questions i wanted to ask, except for one - how much time does she have? i don't think i could handle the answer. and i don't know if my mum can. i told myself that as long as she looks and feels fine, she's still mine to keep. so stay away for now, god.

there are a million whys, and only one wish. that things would be different, or that pain would be absent. i can't even begin to explain how i feel now, or even sort out the various karmic realisations that keep popping into my mind from time to time. tears just keep flowing, and i wonder when it will end. it just doesn't, does it? some days i wake up filled with hope, other days i just wallow in negative thoughts. and then there's that tiny part of me that's still in denial.

just like cancer, the heartache that comes with it has no cure. there is hope, and then there is the truth. as much as i receive words of encouragement from the ones i love, they can't erase the harsh reality that stage 4 lung cancer is not curable. NOT CURABLE. we can only try to prolong her life with palliative methods, and our hope comes in the form of IRESSA, a new drug that seems to have worked well in asian, non-smoking females with lung cancer - and that's a model of my mum. all of a sudden, there's a little pinhole of light in my bleak world.

so what am i hoping for? should i be hoping for a cure? that's a hope against statistics. dr ang's words ring loud and clear in my ears - stage 4 lung cancer is NOT CURABLE. should i then hope for time? and how much time is enough? it's never enough, is it? i'd never be happy with the results, would i? because what i really want is to erase this horrible truth from my existence. am i being a petulant child who is being denied her right to keep her mother close to her?

at the end of the day, i know i'm going to lose her. it's part of life, and everyone has to go through these chapters. i just wish it was later than sooner. this reminds me of the time i had to take my tuberculosis vaccination when i was 12. the nurses came to the school and we were called to the library in batches so we could queue up and wait for our turn. as i waited quietly in the queue, i saw each girl break out in tears as the needle pierced her skin, but all i could think of was - yikes, poor girl. i didn't feel the fear until i was standing in front of the nurse who was pointing the needle towards my arm, ready for injection. i resisted her pull, and bawled openly in front of everyone. if her hold wasn't strong, i would've run out of the library to god-knows-where. it was this sudden realisation that it's really happening to me, and not someone else, that made me want to run away and pretend that it wasn't going to happen to me after all.

somehow i'll never forget that moment in time, which i've always recalled in my random reveries as an analogy to death. morbid as it sounds, i've always pictured an epiphany in that childhood memory, towards my moment of finality, something you can't run from no matter how much you feared it. but i've never had a reason to feel that reflex-to-run yet again in my life. until now. and though its not literally my final moment, it is nevertheless a final moment for a part of me. the part of me that gave me this beautiful existence that i cherish so much.

i love you, mummy.

An Epiphany :: 25-02-06 ::

I met a butterfly on my way to work today. It was a baby one, with tiny, fragile wings that belied its ferocity. She came to rest on my windscreen, when I stopped at a junction waiting for the lights. I fell in love with her beautiful wings; they were flapping gently against the soft breeze outside. She had come to rest, but the world wasn’t letting her.

The lights turned green, and I had to move. I didn’t want to, because I knew what would happen. She was but small, a little butterfly that didn’t belong here; lost in her fate. She had stumbled into a life that wasn’t hers.

I moved slowly, unwillingly, watching her from the corner of my eye. The resistance was building up, but her wings held strong. Her tenacity rose with the strength of the wind. Her wings were frail but her spirit strong, and she lasted a good distance with me.

In my preoccupation with her, I didn’t realise that the world had picked up speed. I looked around me and saw that I couldn’t go on helping my little friend. I had to get up to speed with the world, and move along with the crowd.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t keep her. It just wasn’t the right time and place.

I stepped on the accelerator, with my eyes fixed on her. It was hard to watch her lose her fight against the wind, and turn into a speck before my eyes.

I guess I liked her… my beautiful butterfly.

welcome to my nicotine-stained world

i am a smoker.

believe it or not, i've only just felt the sudden enlightenment of this very status a few hours ago when my lungs felt like they were about to cave in from a massive bout of hacking. a quick visit to the clinic tells me that they're infected, my entire respiratory system is infected. with what? i didn't ask. as far as i'm concerned, i'm infected with an affliction of the mind.

i can't stop smoking.

but why? everyone seems to question. and even i, as the sole pilot of my mind and being, can't seem to figure that out. it's a seemingly easy question that's shrink-wrapped in a film of doubt. every time i attempt to answer it, there's a tiny reflection of uncertainty that calls out to me from a corner of my mind. yeah yeah, it's really hard to quit smoking, they say, and that's why people never stop trying.

bullshit. i've met people who've quit, and never touched another cigarette again.

but i've also met people who can do double backrolls. and don't give me the if-you-try-hard-enough-you-can argument.

well then, perfect, viv. just the perfect justification for your lack of effort. girls can justify every damn thing can't they? it's so easy, so quick, so blameless. don't you just love it?

fact is, i don't. i wish i didn't have my incorrigible wit in this situation. and i say incorrigible because it's so ingrained in my system that sometimes i don't even think anymore about what i am arguing about. my mind is one track: need to have a super-stoic reason not to quit smoking. doesn't matter that i am oblivously charring my lungs with a thousand chemicals. doesn't matter that each cigarette reduces your life by a certain number of hours. puff away chickadee. there's always tomorrow to quit. come on, what is a few hours more to live if you didn't have the bliss of this one cigarette?

it all sounds too ludicrous to me. yet i don't even know where this sardonic humour is coming from. perhaps it's the effect of the cough mixture, washing through my brains in waves. oh beautiful. here's another reason not to stop smoking. cough it up, sister. codeine is just as beautiful as nicotine. in fact, more beautiful.

something tells me i'm beyond redemption. but that can't be the case. i don't want to be beyond redemption. no one should ever be beyond redemption in this world.. as uncle bill tells us in the naked lunch. he came out of a 15 year affliction with junk! and i'm not even a junkie. i don't know what you are sniggering about. nicotine-addiction is not the same as junk-addiction.. (and you can't see me twiddling my thumbs)

yet i can probably understand junk-addiction better than nicotine-addiction (of course not from first-hand experience, as i said, i'm not a junkie).. junk puts you in a different world, nicotine doesn't. junk ebbs through your brain and covers your senses with extreme pleasure. nicotine doesn't. i know some who will beg to differ. but seriously, for me, nicotine doesn't. sometimes it relaxes me about a millionth of a bit, but most other times, it's just something to do.

so breaking a habit should be relatively easier than breaking an addiction, shouldn't it? find something else to do. well.. twiddle your fingers. bite your hair. watch your nails grow. you can't say exercise. because you can't just pick yourself up and go for a run in the middle of your tequila shot or vodka tonic. people who smoke in clubs face the highest retention rate for quitting attempts. because there just isn't anything else to do. talk to someone? chances are, the minute you do that, they light up and say to you "what were you saying again?" and once again, it all spirals into nothingness.

and so it seems, that i've taken my nicotine addiction all the way around the universe and back. i can't seem to drop it. beat it like an unwanted child. but i guess i can own that little spark of optimism that perhaps one day i will. there should be light at the end of the tunnel, no? i just hope that this light isn't the end.

bliss

he's back. finally!

and he showed me all the emails i wrote to him, which were printed out and handed to him in the chamber. every single one of them. and he's kept the ones from the previous job too. i was touched. it was a little strange to see an entire month of thoughts and emotions folded up in a stack of papers. well, strange in a pleasant sorta way, not in a bad way.

bright, summer lovin'.. i'm lovin' it!!

goldie

an entire night of drum n bass! i don't know about you, but i sure haven't had that in a while!

the last time we had a short spurt of it was when DJ craze threw in an hour of drum n bass, during his set after the DMC competition at zouk a couple of weeks ago. that was pretty awesome. and i wasn't lit.

but last night i was lit. well, slightly. lit in a different sorta way as what leon woulda meant. i was a quarter lit. which means i was happily prancing around the club like a dancing bunny. ohh yeah, sweetheart, that's what you call me all the time.. dancing bunny. *wink*

last night was gold. but now i'm really tired. that's the story of my life. peak high, sink low. but hey, it's still anytime better than flatlining..

national karma

i've never had a penchant for national day. never knew what the excitement was all about, even as a kid, at an age where i should probably be fascinated by the colourful displays and well-rehearsed and intricate formations. neither was i ever impressed by the marching soldiers, their smart uniforms, nor in awe of the fact that they fired things from cannons that can actually hurt human beings. the fireworks never really caught my attention either, they were lacklustre on tv, because i've never, in my 30 years of existence, ever sat through the national day parade live.

lack of patriotism? perhaps. but more so, a huge disinterest in the repetitive way our nation's independence is being celebrated. but seriously, how much interest do they expect of me when the organising committee doesn't even show enough interest to make a big enough difference to our national day parade? by changing taglines, displays, themes and costumes, the committee tries to fool us into believing that there is something really different and exciting about the celebrations. kudos to them nevertheless, they've had a good 50,000 at the parade, and many more at home, fooled.

ok cynicism aside, i guess there IS a cause for celebration. after all, my wonderful life that i am so grateful for, will not exist if not for the 9th of august, 1965. however, i will not subscribe to the fact that we have to celebrate this important day in the same mundane way for 40 years. what really gets me, is how everyone stares at the tv, watching with bated breath, the unfolding of a procession that's been repeated year after year. are we naive or are we just conditioned into believing that THIS will be the special year; this will be the year that our national day parade will go down in history as the most memorable parade ever to be hosted? 4 months later, nothing is remembered.

but remember national day 2005, i will. call it karma for my lack of patriotism. (but then again, what does patriotism really mean in our materialism-infected nation?) i received a deep gash from a knee-to-chin landing on a backroll on national day this year. the flesh under my skin split wide open, and blood gushed out of the wound turning the bit of water around me into a sea of red. amidst my wails, i could see and hear those around me trying to maintain a calm face, pacifiying me that it's really just small. as i was rushing to the hospital, every tv i came across had the national day parade on, (yes, even the tv in the doctor's waiting room) mocking my nonchalance. so while the nation was celebrating its 4th decade, i was in the hospital receiving 4 stitches on my chin.

so now, i have a scar under my chin that will remind me forever of national day 2005; my one and only tribute to the nation.

wednesday evening chat

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
hey wen’s ands comin back anyway?

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
in his email he said a couple of weeks

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
after the wakefest

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
i miss him sooo much.. i've been thinkin to myself.. how come this time it feels harder than the last.. like it's takin soo long.. i dunno la.. i vascillate a lot... sometimes i think i'm ok.. the next hour i'm sad.. aiyaaaa.. this is weird

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
ooo

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
i noe

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
i hear ya

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
☺

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
its feelings

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
not science

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
dats why it cannot be measured, determined, analysed and finally computerised into a perfect answer

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
thats relationships

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
thats love

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
i guess..

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
i wanna be strong

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
don't wanna whine.

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
i noe

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
i hope i'm not whining now.. haha

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
trust me

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
i hear ya

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
☺

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
we try to be strong

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
but sometimes its jus hard la

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
it's jus that.. something's chewing at me inside... then there's this big hole...

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
and the stronger those appear on the outset.. tend to be fragile inside cuz their hard shell is protecting a fragile inner

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
u noe?

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
☺

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
☺

KooKⓔy Monzster™▐ ☊ ::: lemon daze ::: says:
u are not alone!

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
HAHAHA!

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
i write him everyday, and i never run out of things to tell him.. he probably thinks i'm rattling like a crazy woman.. but its really silly little things that i wanna tell him but he's not around, u know what i mean?

:: Princess Vaderess :: i miss my bolster says:
and then its really nice when i hear from him! it makes me smile ☺